


the funny guy

by boogerbitz



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, I don't even know if I plotted this right ):, Insecurity, M/M, brief mention of implied attempted suicide, some anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 17:01:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15976628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boogerbitz/pseuds/boogerbitz
Summary: "Tell me," Seunghyun swallows once after he says the words and Seungri shakes slightly, his fingers curling into tight fists."You don't want me," Seungri whispers after a few silent seconds. "Trust me. I'm not... I'm not important. I'm not special. You don't want me, you don't need me, BIGBANG doesn't... they don't need me."





	the funny guy

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt # 65: So we all know Yang Hyun Suk made the announcement that the four older members would revive BB when they were done with enlistment and Seungri was still serving the nation.  
> Seungri, despite his confidence, is deeply insecure about this. The four members get hyped up by the media and VIPs who make comments about how 'four is better than five' / 'Seungri's absence is not very noticeable'. Seungri has to deal with all this; seeing his hyungs on stage without him, while serving and handling the stress of his businesses - eventually completing his enlistment, but distancing himself. Even his developing relationship with Seunghyun is paused since he can't stand himself. Seunghyun pries the truth out and informs the rest.  
> Group stands up for Seungri, Seunghyun insists on holding Seungri's hand everywhere on/off stage, loses his temper at press who ask stupid questions and all round brashly protective of his boyfriend.  
> Pairing: TOPRI  
> Rating: Explicit (was up to author)  
> Warnings: Vague Mention of what sounds like a suicide attempt very briefly

Its always been easy to make friends for Seungri, he isn't surprised over the fact that he wraps his entire platoon around his finger on the first day. They praise him for being down-to-earth and funny. Always funny... He plays up the role though, shouts loud jokes when they're done with their training for the day, tells stories so exaggerated the people around him nearly choke as they eat. Pushes back the loneliness as he lays on his cot at night, his fingers drumming softly against his stomach. Everyone had told him it wouldn't be hard, Youngbae had said it was easy but he was _Youngbae_.

And Seungri was Seungri. And Seungri had always had a hard time adjusting to things even though they seemed to come effortlessly to him. The truth is it only looked that way because he made sure to practice relentlessly, tried to be an expert in whatever it was before he had to show off his skills. Can't exactly do that when it comes to enlistment, but at least he made sure he was in shape so the new exercise regimen wouldn't kill him.

So yeah, he's lonely. Whatever. It won't be for too long, the rest of his hyungs are already halfway done. Before Seungri knows it he'll be back with them and they'll release an album for old times sake. Maybe have a conversation about why they should just be on an indefinite hiatus until Seunghyun is nearing forty. Thinks that deep down they all just want to focus on their own careers but don't want to say it's over. Seungri knows he has so much to keep track of, even right now, wastes his weekly phone call on his business partners instead of calling his mother. Has to know how the ramen restaurants are faring without his constant presence and promotion.

And it works, it works because after he's done with training they give them more time. They have more freedom. He has his phone on him a few times and can talk to his parents and his sister on the phone while he types back replies to emails to his business partners. He can even check on Instagram and see what everyone is up to, doesn't like any of the photos, doesn't comment on anything because he's sure he'll be under a magnifying glass trying to catch him slacking off, making a mistake.

It works for an entire year. A year before they're lounging after an entire day of working and training and voluteering and his platoon are all talking loudly between them, making jokes, tossing fruits and snacks across the air at each other and then one of his closer friends drops heavily next to him, throws his arm around Seungri's shoulder and Seungri puts the book he was reading down. It was something Seunghyun sent him, told him it had made him cry so he wanted to share it with Seungri, wanted to hear what he thought.

"You know, I don't think it's true what they're saying," his friend says, picking at his teeth with a toothpick, patting Seungri's shoulder once before squeezing it tightly enough to make Seungri's face twist in pain. "I mean BIGBANG is good without you but they're better when you're all together."

"Huh?" Seungri asks, furrowing his brows and pulling away to the side. "What are you talking about?"

"BIGBANG is coming back without you, right?" his friend says, shrugging a shoulder. "People are saying that the teasers are really good, that there's a better balance on the tracks, blah blah. The public is crazy, your voice brings something really good to every..."

He's still talking, still kissing Seungri's ass and explaining why he thinks Seungri is _important_ to BIGBANG but all of that turns into white noise to Seungri, has him blinking quickly as he looks down at the book, his blood rushing through his ears because yes... the hyung's were releasing a track together soon but Jiyong and Seunghyun had reassured him that it wasn't as "BIGBANG". They had told him time and time again that they were looking at it as a sub-unit of sorts, something to keep interest on them until Seungri finished his service in five months.

Really, Seungri is the stupid one for believing them. It didn't make sense but he chose to believe it anyway, took in the assuring words from all of his hyungs because he was desperate. Desperate enough to reason with himself that yes, they could all comeback and not label it BIGBANG. Seungri didn't have that much longer to go, they could have waited but maybe that wasn't fair to the fans and to them.

A few weeks later they gather around a television set to watch the first performance for the new song his hyung's put out. Seungri can't help but bite his lip when he sees the name of the track and in smaller letters underneath "BIGBANG." Tears prickle at his eyes but he refuses to give in to them, doesn't want to look like an idiot in front of his friends, doesn't want to admit to himself that this is enough to make him crack. It's a bit embarrassing but Seungri already feels like he's been a bit fragile with his feelings his entire life, kept hiding behind a mask of confidence that he started to fool even himself but moments like these always seemed to come up in his life just to prove him wrong.

He sits through the entire performance but keeps his gaze lowered even when he hears the low rumble of Seunghyun's voice as he raps. His heart doesn't even skip a beat at the sound of it like it usually does, or at least feels like it does. Seungri hadn't ever really been sure of what those odd reactions were made of and if they were even the right way to describe them or if he had just heard them described like that too many times.

He rubs his face when he hears the MC's interviewing them later, stands up abruptly when one of them mentions that they barely noticed Seungri wasn't there. His platoon turns to look at him and he dumbly says, "toilet," before he's running out of the room. He stalks straight to his cot, scratches at his arms over and over to try to get rid of that feeling crawling all over him telling him he's not even missed. Part of him is trying to fight it's way through in the back of his mind, telling him that he is, that he shouldn't listen but there's just too much evidence stacked up against him.

The song was amazing. There was more balance to it. Seungri didn't even need to share his vocals in the background and... and--

"Did you like it?" Seunghyun asks, his voice is breathless over the phone a few days later, he sounds excited and happy and Seungri shoves back his feelings in favor of just supporting Seunghyun.

It's been tough on him too. Way worse than it had been for Jiyong when he had been found guilty of the same thing, worse because Seunghyun had skipped out on active duty and that fact had already made him a monster in front of the world. Adding drugs to it had just been what made the cup overflow. And Seunghyun had... hurt himself? Or tried to at least, something that had oddly been the catalyst to their relationship. Or... whatever this was.

"I loved it," Seungri says, swallows back that odd pride he has because he just wants Seunghyun to feel happy today, to at least have this much before something inside of Seungri cracks eventually. "You sound as cool as ever, hyung, how do you stay that amazing?"

"Says you," Seunghyun snorts into the receiver and Seungri can picture his smile, it's enough to make him roll his eyes and smile at least. It's enough to make him relax and not make this about himself, even though it should be. _Right?_

They joke around for thirty minutes before Seunghyun is yawning so much that Seungri just tells him to hang up and go take a nap. He calls him an old man affectionately and Seunghyun laughs and sighs before he says, "I can't wait to see you in a few months."

"I still have some vacation time left," Seungri laughs.

"Use those days on your mom," Seunghyun says immediately. "I can wait, your mom is more important."

"Alright, alright."

When they finally hang up that heavy feeling of being unworthy hangs over Seungri again. It makes him roll over and bury his face in the pillow underneath him. He can't wait for his enlistment to be over, maybe then he can finally have a good cry in peace.

It doesn't help that they blast the song everywhere he goes, doesn't help that people spot him in public when he has a day off and he's taking his mom shopping and they tell him that they love BIGBANG's new song. Seungri tries to take the compliment even though he isn't part of that track, didn't do anything except not be there when it was made. Some comments are nasty and from people that obviously just want to get a reaction from him but Seungri doesn't look their way, stays focused on getting through these small moments.

When he's discharged his parents and sister go pick him up. His mom showers him with kisses, Hana shoves a bouquet of flowers at him, his dad pats his back heavily and tells him he's proud of him. They have dinner at Seungri's apartment, which has not even a single trace of dust and smells fresh like lemons and vanilla. They leave the next morning after having breakfast and three hours later Seunghyun is calling out to Seungri in a taunting and high voice outside his door.

Seungri opens the door and braces himself as Seunghyun throws his entire weight on him, arms locking tightly around Seungri's waist and squeezing hard enough to make his spine pop. He breathes in the scent of his cologne, licks over his lips and swallows once because he missed Seunghyun but it feels weird now that they're here, now that there's no restrictions.

Or maybe it's just him.

"We're having a lazy day in," Seunghyun says, somehow materializing a bottle of wine on one hand as he pulls back, grabbing Seungri's hand with his free one and lacing their fingers together as he pulls him down a corridor in search for his room. The layout of the place shouldn't be familiar to him but Seungri thinks it must be common sense because Seunghyun kicks open the right door, collapses on top of the bed and rolls around in it before he's kicking off his shoes and pulling off his pants.

Seungri gives him a set of his pajamas and snorts when Seunghyun's ankles are left exposed. Seunghyun gives him a breathtaking grin and it doesn't really matter because they both end up curled up next to each other under the blankets anyway.

"You look different," Seunghyun tells him, tapping Seungri's cheek gently with his fingertip before he's brushing it over Seungri's unkempt eyebrows, tugging lightly at the barely there locks of hair that are growing back after years of wearing it as a buzz cut.

"Thanks," Seungri rolls his eyes, shaking his head a few times to pull away from Seunghyun's hold on his face.

"Good different," Seunghyun murmurs and Seungri freezes as he watches the other lean in closer, their noses brushing together. "You okay?"

"Ah..." Seungri blinks a times quickly before he shakes his head.

"What's wrong?"

###

"You're staring," Jiyong had told him, his eyes had been glued to his phone but he wasn't wrong, Seungri was staring. Not at Jiyong, though, so he had been confused on how Jiyong even knew. It's not like he could feel a heavy gaze on himself.

So maybe he was being obvious. So what? It's not like Seunghyun would notice, he was way too dense for that. It had taken him forever to realize the first girlfriend he had liked him... er that is if what Seungri is feeling is _like_. It feels like it anyway, he's experienced it many times before just not... for a guy. Unless you count Jiyong, which he doesn't because he figures everyone that meets him experiences a tiny bit of a crush for a while before they realize what a big jerk he is.

"I don't blame you," Jiyong smacks his lips and Seungri finally looks over at him, his eyes narrowed into suspicious slits because if Seungri didn't answer then it should be a huge clue into how he definitely does not want to talk about this. Whatever _this_ is. "Seunghyun is handsome."

"Thank you," Seungri says and rolls his eyes, hates his name but would rather pretend it's about him and not about _him_.

"You should take him to dinner," Jiyong continues, ignoring it and poking Seungri with one of his stubby fingers coated in picked off and cracked nail polish. It's black with flecks of silver glitter on them this week. "Just the two of you." Jiyong holds up two of his fingers and wiggles his brows. "I can set it up if you want."

"Jiyong," Seungri says, leaning over and shaking his head. "It's not like it would be difficult for me to set up a dinner with hyung, he's my friend."

"Right," Jiyong laughs at that, rubbing Seungri's cheek before he pinches the skin gently between his fingers. "Guess I forget, you wouldn't think you were by the way you just stare at him from afar. I'm going to help you."

"I don't need your help," Seungri rolls his eyes and pulls away, glancing quickly over to Seunghyun who is now busy swatching lipsticks on his arms much to the dismay of their makeup artist.

"I'm doing it," Jiyong says, standing up abruptly and walking over to Seunghyun who turns to him curiously once he's close enough. Jiyong steps closer into his personal space and what is definitely jealousy curls in Seungri's stomach and claws at him until he's ready to get up and go say something but Jiyong is whispering near Seunghyun's ear, pointing over to Seungri and-

And Seunghyun's eyes widen and he looks over to Seungri with a brow furrowed upward, one of his hands lifting to touch his own chest lightly with his fingertips and he mouths the word _"Me?"_ and Jiyong nods, pulls away and walks off like nothing happened. Like he probably didn't just either make a huge reveal about Seungri's feelings, which he hasn't dealt with yet by the way, or just actually made the offer of a dinner.

Seungri waves at Seunghyun once because it's awkward if he doesn't and because they're making eye-contact but he quickly turns around and starts walking away himself. He was hungry a few minutes ago, was ready to go find one of those packed lunches their fansites send but his appetite is gone now and he's feeling a rush of butterflies instead along with nerves crawling up his arms like spiders.

They skirt around each other for a while after that. Seungri comes to terms with maybe being who he is, not like he'll reveal it to the world but it's enough for him that he knows now. That he's sure.

He's definitely sure.

Sure because he laughs at everything Seunghyun does, doesn't actually mind the photos he takes and the sudden obsession that he apparently has with all those social media updates. He's sure because he can't help but smile every time he's pulled into a tight embrace, or has his hair ruffled and messed up from how it had been styled. Doesn't mind the heavy weight of Seunghyun on his shoulder. Or how they somehow always find a way to sit next to each other even if Seungri has to hang on the armrest of a couch.

It doesn't really boil over into anything. Seunghyun is... he's leaving soon and they're so busy all the time. And he's shutting down a bit, looks more anxious as his enlistment date draws nearer, starts to ignore phone calls and messages, he loses so much weight so quickly and Seungri puts aside his feelings and instead works on making sure that Seunghyun is feeling okay, that he knows it won't be that bad, that he doesn't have to be too anxious but it doesn't really work.

They all have one last dinner together before Seunghyun is gone and Seungri is left with an oddly hollow feeling in his chest. He shoves it all back down by doing what he does best, going around the world, meeting new friends, becoming temporarily smitten with random people for just one night that doesn't have closure even with a kiss before he leaves them and hops on to the next country. He only has a few people he really trusts but they're always with him everywhere he goes.

And that's how he hears the news about Seunghyun, it's how he abruptly sobers up from any drinks he's had or any feeling of excitement that had been running through him. He has to wait a few days before he can take a flight back home and even when he does it's not like he can see Seunghyun but he knows. He can feel it that Seunghyun won't be able to handle this well, can tell that he's probably struggling, that he's paranoid, anxious.

They have to hold Seungri back from running to him when he's hospitalized. Jiyong squeezes his arm hard enough to shock him into stopping and he pulls his hand away with a pout to rub his arm. Jiyong apologizes to him and takes a deep breath, rubbing his temples but they find a way in. One by one. Seungri goes last because everyone knows how they feel about each other.

And it definitely was true that this had been the catalyst to their relationship. Had been the thing that finally tipped them over because when Seungri saw him, pale, tired, and with bags under his eyes his heart still soared just a bit because despite that he was alive. His chest was rising and falling slowly on it's own, a machine next to him was keeping track the beats of his heart. Seungri had approached Seunghyun carefully, sat down next to him, grabbed his hand and rubbed his knuckles gently with his thumb. Hummed soft songs and made stupid jokes that eventually had Seunghyun snorting and cracking a small smile.

All of these small moments that had lead to an awkward confession, Seunghyun returning it with a small smile, their arms wrapped around each other in a tight hug. Something that leads them a few days later to a first kiss, and a second kiss, and enough that Seungri loses track of them. They get as many as they can in before Seunghyun is discharged from the hospital, goes home to rest for a week or two before he's leaving again and tells Seungri he's going to try harder. That he'll call Seungri when he can, that he's going to wait and Seungri doesn't have to wait but Seunghyun really really hopes he does.

And Seungri does.

###

"I'm just tired," Seungri says, laughing and turning away from Seunghyun so that he can fake a yawn, stretches his body before he's laying flat on his back, staring at the ceiling and biting down on his lip. He scoots away enough so that no part of his body is pressing against Seunghyun's anymore and it's warm under the blankets but suddenly Seungri feels cold because this is weird. It's weird and he's not feeling good, hasn't felt good in some time, doesn't want to tell Seunghyun about it because it's stupid but--

He kept seeing headlines about how good BIGBANG had been without him, had seen so many critics praising the new track and saying it was fresh, the best yet, the perfect blend of voices and styles together and Seungri had seen them for what they really were. Criticisms against him that had come from nowhere, that had been fueled because his hyungs had wanted to put out a track together while they waited for Seungri to return but they could have done something else. Daesung could have refused at the very least in favor of his quiet life, Youngbae could have said no because he was trying to focus on maybe becoming a dad? Seunghyun and Jiyong could have just released a mini album with just the two of them, they had done it before.

Everything that Seungri had accomplished two years ago suddenly vanished from his mind. There's no way he could have actually released a song people liked, he definitely didn't have a track that had been featured in the same news media that he had tried to mock with the video, there's no way his businesses were booming and bringing in thousands worth in profit every month. He wasn't anything special.

"Did you want to sleep?" Seunghyun asks and the deep rumble of his voice is quiet, caught in a whisper.

"Yeah," Seungri mumbles, actually yawns this time as he throws one of his legs to the side and stretches out, trying to get comfortable in the plush bed when he got far too used to the stiffness of a barrack.

They go back to skirting around each other and it's Seungri's fault. Or maybe it's everyone else's fault and Seungri is just reacting to the environment they have placed him in. Feels like he's right because when he starts doing interviews again everyone always mentions that stupid song and how he's not in it and how that made him feel. As if anyone else has the right to learn about that except for the people he truly trusts.

He dives back into his work, helps the artists in his label to produce tracks whenever he visits, offers his vocals and can't help but feel a little bit better when their eyes become bright and they say yes! with so much excitement. He starts to keep to himself, keeps away from Jiyong and Youngbae and Daesung and Seunghyun most of all. Know he's probably hurting Seunghyun's feelings but can't bring himself to care about it long enough.

He takes trips without letting anyone know, shows up on different countries and posts a million photos and stories about what he's doing but it all seems so stupid. In the end it's all meaningless. He comes back to his apartment that doesn't even look lived in at the end of the month, drops off all the trinkets he collected during his trips into a box, and sleeps there one day before he's heading out again.

It's Jiyong's birthday the one that grounds to Seoul long enough for him to cross paths with Seunghyun again. Jiyong's birthday where everyone is a close friend that when they pull out a camera to take a selfie no one is trying to hide who they are because they all know. It's in Jiyong's party with Jiyong's loud and slightly obnoxious at times friends that Seungri comes in front of Seunghyun again.

Seungri can tell that he's tipsy by the way his brow is furrowed, by how he squints at Seungri from across the room before he's standing up and ignoring the person that had been trying to hold a conversation with him, and the slight stumble and sway on his way too long legs. He puts down his nearly empty glass of wine on a counter and immediately crowds into Seungri's space, takes a deep breath before he speaks, "There he is."

"Yep," Seungri shrugs a shoulder, smiles awkwardly. "There you are too."

"Why have you been avoiding me?" Seunghyun asks him and the furrow of his brows relaxes, the corners of his lips tugging down and Seungri hates that expression on him, can't stand the fact that he's partially responsible for it. Sort of, honestly Seungri still doesn't think he's done anything _wrong_ and spends more time _feeling_ wronged.

"I'm not avoiding you," Seungri lies to him anyway, takes one step back to put at least a little bit of distance between them. "I've been busy, that's all. If I were avoiding you I would have walked away already, don't you think?".

"Maybe," Seunghyun mumbles, glancing around quickly before he's gripping Seungri by his shoulder, digging his fingers in at an angle that makes some pain throb through Seungri but he ignores it and follows after Seunghyun when his hand travels down from his shoulder to grip him by the wrist. They weave through different people, friends that call out to them for a picture or to share a drink, or just want to say a quick hello before they return to their conversations.

Seunghyun makes them stumble right past Jiyong who eyes them over the rim of his glass his eyes half lidded into a bored expression like he's not surprised that Seungri is being dragged across a lavishly large dimly lit living room and that Seunghyun is doing the dragging.

The music becomes muffled when Seunghyun shuts the door to one of Jiyong's many guest rooms. Seungri glances around quickly and the theme of it becomes clear almost instantly when he sees it's covered in the color gold, he spots one of Jiyong's album on a shelf like a shrine along with the memorabilia that came with One of a Kind and he wants to make some quirky comment but instead his breath rushes out of him when he looks up at Seunghyun.

He's looking sober suddenly, his hands on either side of Seungri's head to keep him pinned against the door, dark eyes flitting over Seungri's face and Seungri wants to say something to cover up how strange this feels, something to ignore how his skin is suddenly itching uncomfortably and how he wants to scream instead until his throat feels raw. He's about to do it too but then he sees the rim of Seunghyun's eyes pool with tears and instead he grips the fabric of his shirt, tilts his head and leans forward on the tips of his toes to look closer at Seunghyun in brief disbelief before he's filling with panic instead.

"What's wrong?" Seungri asks in a whisper because it would be strange to break the silence of the room and the muted bass of the music trying to beat through the entire apartment floor. He reaches up with one hand to brush his fingers against Seunghyun's cheek who only lets out a shaky breath before his head is hanging low, forehead pressing against Seungri's shoulder.

"Do you hate me now?" Seunghyun asks him and his voice sounds wrecked, upset, a wobble to it.

"No," Seungri says immediately, thankful that his voice sounds sure because he definitely doesn't feel sure of anything right now, instead has anxiety building up in his chest but it's important that Seunghyun isn't upset.

"Then why won't you..." Seunghyun trails off and Seungri can hear him swallow once, take a deep breath before he's standing straight again to his full height. Seungri does the same, can't help from looking at Seunghyun and how the moonlight coming in through the window behind him makes a halo glow around his body and how his skin color looks nice even against the tacky way all the gold around the room makes the light bounce.

"I feel like you don't even think about me anymore," Seunghyun tells him, his eyes lowered to the ground. "Ever since you came back... you were around for just a few days before you were hopping on airplanes, going around the world again... I thought that maybe we could... I don't know." A heavy sigh follows his words and then the intake of a shaky breath and Seungri can't help but feel just a tiny bit of guilt.

Seungri knows. He knows there had been some sort of non-spoken promise between them that as soon as Seungri was discharged from his service they were going to explore that feeling that had been growing between them and Seungri had been looking forward to that, had enjoyed the stolen days he spent with Seunghyun whenever he had leave for a few days, had enjoyed the feel of their lips pressed together, arms around each other, the quiet rumble of Seunghyun's voice when Seungri had his head pressed against his chest and listened to him reveal things about himself that Seungri had never known before despite growing older together.

He had enjoyed the brief intimacy they had shared too, that even if they had never ventured too far, there was always a hint of want underneath every touch from Seunghyun. It had been nice but...

"You don't get it," Seungri mumbles instead, shaking his head and looking to the side. He wants to be with Seunghyun, he really wants to. It had felt weird to flirt with other people, weird to press drunken kisses into sweaty skin at clubs before he was finding an excuse to leave.

The thing was just that every time Seungri was about to approach Seunghyun again, about to call him up or just send him a text message to ask about what he was doing something else weighed on top of Seungri. Something heavy that made him shoulders sag and his body recoil at the thought of reaching out to him or any of the others.

"Don't get what?" Seunghyun asks, his head lifting slowly to look at Seungri, eyes searching but Seungri has perfected the blank stare, he had to at one point.

"You just don't get why I'm-" Seungri cuts off, frustrated and pushing himself back against the door in an attempt to put space between himself and Seunghyun, rubbing a hand over his face a few times before he's looking at Seunghyun again. "Nothing. It's not like it matters. It's not like I matter."

"What are you talking about?" Seunghyun asks softly.

"Nothing," Seungri repeats.

"Tell me," Seunghyun whispers, grabbing Seungri's hand suddenly and forcing his fingers between Seungri's to lace them together, squeezing tightly. "Please."

A silence stretches between them as Seungri shifts his gaze to the side. He can only hide his feelings for so long from Seunghyun's searching gaze, doesn't want to be caught before he's ready to say something.

Seunghyun squeezes his hand again, lets out a slow breath through his nose and Seungri can't help but scrunch his face slightly at the sound.

"It's the least you can do," Seunghyun continues, tugging on Seungri's hand. "Please tell me what is wrong with you."

"I'm just not looking for a relationship anymore," Seungri mutters, it sounds like a lie even when he says it but he thinks Seunghyun might just believe it.

"Bullshit."

Or not.

"I need to focus on my businesses," Seungri tries next and Seunghyun sighs, dropping his hand and Seungri thinks briefly that he succeeded but then Seunghyun cups his face with both hands and forces Seungri to look at him.

"Tell me," Seunghyun swallows once after he says the words and Seungri shakes slightly, his fingers curling into tight fists.

"You don't want me," Seungri whispers after a few silent seconds. "Trust me. I'm not... I'm not important. I'm not special. You don't want me, you don't need me, BIGBANG doesn't... they don't need me."

Seunghyun makes a soft questioning noise and Seungri blinks quickly a few times when he feels angry and ashamed tears rising up. He scrunches his nose and sniffs once before he has his tears under control and gone, only a slight pinprick being left behind.

"Everyone else seems to think so anyway," Seungri mutters. "And I'm sure you guys... maybe you haven't said it aloud or expressed your opinion but if you could... if you could release music without me and still call it BIGBANG then... you know I'm right. I'm not important, I never was."

Seunghyun's hands drop from Seungri's face suddenly and Seungri can't help but shiver at the sudden cool air brushing his cheeks after the heat of Seunghyun's big hands.

"I wasn't even supposed to be with any of you, not really," Seungri continues, his shoulders drooping again, fingers squeezing tighter and his bitten nails press against his palm sharp enough to shock him into continuing. "I barely made it back to the team after being _eliminated_. All of you have always seen more success than me and I'm just... I'm just the funny guy. Never the favorite one, never the first choice..."

"Seungri..." Seunghyun says softly, his eyebrows pulling together.

"I can't even... I can't even," Seungri shakes his head, letting out a shaky breath before he laughs. "Even now that I'm here I can't even join the four of you on stage for that _stupid_ song and have to watch from the back while everyone goes crazy for a group that doesn't have _me_ in it."

"Oh," Seunghyun says quietly enough that if the room weren't silent Seungri would have missed it.

He pulls Seungri back and away from the door, opening it and brushing past him and Seungri can't even feel the slightest bit of surprise. Of course Seunghyun would walk away once he knew what had been bothering Seungri. Of course he would think that Seungri was being ridiculous or dramatic or just dumb as always. Seungri takes a moment to control his facial expression, blinks quickly a few times to brush away any traces of tears that might be left and then turns to walk out the door. Before he makes it halfway down the hallway of Jiyong's home, however, he bumps into Seunghyun's firm chest.

He looks up at Seunghyun before he catches sight of Jiyong next to him who is slightly red in the face, his lips set into a thin line, and angry furrow in his brows. He opens his mouth to say something but Seunghyun shakes his head and presses his hand against Jiyong's shoulder.

"What?" Seungri asks, looking between them with a furrow of his brow.

"Are you crazy?" Jiyong says over Seunghyun who is about to start speaking. "Do you really think we don't care about you? That you're not important?!"

"I don't know if we should be talking about this right here and right now but," Seunghyun looks around before he turns back to Seungri. "Seungri."

"Yeah?"

"We love you," Seunghyun says and clears his throat. "You are important."

Seungri sniffs once and shakes his head, embarrassed because he can already feel the tears building up inside of him and Seunghyun and Jiyong both make a soft noise that sounds like a sympathetic coo so Seungri quickly recovers, doesn't want to give them any more reason for them to see him as a baby and an outsider even when he's already in his 30's.

###

The next day Seungri is standing in front of a microphone, staring down at a freshly written verse that he helped with to go along with the track he wasn't a part of. It went from being three minutes and a half long to almost twice that length and Seungri thinks it's a bit too much but Jiyong insists. They play the song for YG when they are done editing it two days later and after a week it's being released as a special single once again.

It's a bit silly but Seungri appreciates the effort that they are making. He appreciates the fact that all of them are caring enough to actually do something about it instead of leaving him to his feelings and expecting him to get over it. It's when they're releasing an extra track just for fun and when they get invited to perform in music shows even though they're not really expecting any awards that Seungri notices the change in Seunghyun's behavior.

They meet up at the YG building at nearly three in the morning to all pile into the same car together like in the old times. They greet each other in the lobby and Seungri accepts every hug, even the cranky ones from Youngbae who looks tired and has bags over his eyes from the side effects of having a child. Seungri leans against one of the pillars inside while they wait on Seunghyun to arrive, jumping slightly when his phone is taken from his hand and placed in his pocket in a swift move.

Seungri glances up a little bit annoyed but his expression eases when he sees Seunghyun's easy smile, his messy hair from definitely just throwing on a quick outfit before leaving his home because they would all be changed into different clothes and styled according to them later on anyway. He reaches quickly for Seungri's hand and laces their fingers together, stepping up into his personal space and waggling his eyebrows playfully as Seungri snorts and looks around before he's squeezing Seunghyun's hand back.

There's always this small worry nagging at the back of Seungri's mind, that someone is going to see that, the the security guard watching the cameras will spot them and snap a picture because selling it might make him more than working an entire week would. He wants to pull his hand away from Seunghyun's gives it a gentle tug to move it away but Seunghyun holds on tighter and they finally start to trickle out after they get word that their driver has arrived.

Seunghyun holds his hand all the way to the door of the van, letting go only when Seungri pulls again to go inside and he can see and hear the flashes of cameras and quiet cheers of fans that are wishing them luck before they all head to the recording studio. Seunghyun slides into the seat next to him and throws his arm over Seungri's shoulders after he buckles up, using his other free hand to reach for Seungri's again, hooking their pinkies together before he joins in on the conversations going on around them.

When they arrive to the venue Seunghyun lingers outside of the van for him even though the rest of his hyungs have walked ahead already, waving at the fans around and looking at cameras from press briefly before they're tucking their chins into the collar of their coats. Seungri hops out of the car and is about to thank Seunghyun for waiting for him because this is unusual but Seunghyun doesn't give him the chance.

Instead he grabs Seungri's hand again and pulls him along, swinging them back and forth between them when they finally reach the same pace, walking side by side. The photos snap quicker and Seungri glances around nervously because although he really doesn't mind holding Seunghyun's hand he also doesn't want any rumors that might hurt them to start up.

He can hear excited squealing and coos from the fans around them, hears some people talking about Big Seunghyun taking care of Little Seunghyun and it makes him wrinkle his nose, tugging at his hand once again in an attempt to get it out of Seunghyun's solid and warm grip but the fingers around his own only tighten further.

“Hyung,” Seungri mutters under his breath once they’re about to clear the crowd. “Why are you doing this?” He tugs on their hands to show what he is talking about but Seunghyun doesn’t drop his hand, shrugging a shoulder as they walk down a familiar path to the dressing room that was set aside for them.

“Why not?” Seunghyun says with a shrug of his shoulder, walking over to the huge mirrors and finally dropping Seungri’s hand and gesturing for him to take the chair next to him, immediately one of the newer YG make-up artists starts working on both of them, pretending their not listening into their casual chatter because they are not close like that yet.

The hand holding resumes when they get out of the chairs and plop down on the couch of the waiting room. Nobody says anything about it so Seungri stops feeling self conscious about it. Until they start walking to their stage, something pretty simple because they were just being invited as a special performance and they weren’t actually there to wow people. Seunghyun doesn’t drop his hand until they have to take their places on opposite sides of the stage for the choreography. Which isn’t really that complicated, giving them a lot of freedom to just walk around the stage.

It’s exhilarating to be on stage. Even though they’re not trying too hard and they all know that this is just for fun Seungri still can’t help but think that this is the best thing, belting out with his sweet voice, hearing the cheers and chants, looking at the flashes of yellow as people wave around their light sticks.

###

It’s not perfect. People still make comments about how much better their tracks would sound without a Seungri. He ends up on an album feature with one of the new artists and everyone talks about how much better it would have been if Youngbae had been on it. It stings but it’s only because he goes out looking for it, knows objectively that there are more positive comments than negative ones but Seungri always seems to find the bad ones first.

It cuts to his core when they mention it during group interviews after they’ve done some photo shoot with some ridiculous concept. The group squeezes him between them, always have him sandwiched in the center between Seunghyun and someone else.

“What do you think about people saying BIGBANG is still as great without you?” one of these interviewers asks and Seungri can feel his face turning red and he’s not sure if it’s with embarrassment or anger or outrage and he is about to answer, something rude that he would never say bubbling up his chest and nearly out of his mouth before Seunghyun beats him to it.

“Those people are stupid,” Seunghyun tells the interviewer and Seungri watches as her eyes widen. “And I’m sure you see yourself as a professional who wouldn’t ask stupid questions about the opinions of stupid people.”

Jiyong snickers and Youngbae swats at his arm lightly and laughs awkwardly. Seungri can’t help the brief thought that Jiyong should be acting a bit more serious, probably scolding Seunghyun for using the word _stupid_ toward someone a few times instead of being professional. Maybe apologize for their behavior but he seems unbothered and Seungri can’t blame him for it because he can see that there is a new type of freedom hovering above them.

It’s not the only instance of something like this. It continues on during every interview and Jiyong always snickers into his hand and covers it with a cough and either Youngbae or Daesung gently scold him for it but the worst instance comes when they are on live TV. It’s not the first time that the four of them have showered him with physical attention when they were being interviewed but this time it’s only Seunghyun while they’re all crowded around the same couch. Youngbae is answering some question, tossing in a few English words and then Seunghyun moves the hand he has on Seungri’s shoulder to his hair, caressing down to his cheek and neck gently and it makes Seungri shudder in a good way but it draws the attention of the interviewer.

“You two grew closer through the years didn’t you?” the interviewer asks and that’s enough to catch the attention of even Jiyong who had only been giving looks to the camera that would make him seem engaged while his mind probably ran a thousand miles a minute thinking of what he was going to do next.

“We’ve always been close,” Seunghyun replies before Seungri can say anything dragging Seungri closer against his side.

"So you wouldn't agree with the comments made about Seungri not being a pivotal part of the team?" she continues with a smile and Seungri stops himself from flinching because he's sure the camera will zoom in on him and Seunghyun to show his reaction to the question. He keeps his face carefully blank in a way that he's practiced through the years.

"This fucking shit again," Seunghyun says and it makes the interviewer and the people behind the camera crew gasp.

"Nice," Seungri hears Jiyong whisper before he lets out a low whistle.

He and Seunghyun are out of the room where the interview is holding place a minute later and although it feels a bit demeaning to be kicked out of the room like that Seunghyun doesn't seem bothered at all. Instead he grabs Seungri's hand and pulls him along to the waiting room they had been relaxing in before the interview.

###

So it does become a habit. So much so that Seungri holds out his hand whenever Seunghyun is around and they lace their fingers together without even thinking about. So much so that even when they're in each other's homes and Seungri is on Seunghyun's lap they still keep their hands clasped together as they talk about whatever it is they are looking into doing or watching. Seunghyun really only ever lets go when he's leaning over Seungri to grab something, or when he's not in the same room, looking over scripts that he might be interested in.

And it's strange but just like that things go back to normal. Seungri starts to open himself up his feelings more quickly that he would have in the past before his enlistment and before he and Seunghyun were even anything. And it's when he's laying across a couch as Seunghyun is on the other one flipping to the next page of a thick script he has on his head that Seungri sits up and gets his attention by clearing his throat.

It's not difficult to get Seunghyun's attention it seems like he's hyper aware of everything Seungri does or whenever Seungri looks even the slightest bit upset. Seunghyun lifts his eyes from the page he's looking at and puts it down on his lap immediately, doesn't even keep a finger between the pages to hold his place which probably means the story isn't that interesting to him.

It's strange because an anxious feeling starts to rise up in Seugnri again as he thinks about what he wanted to ask, it's nearly in the tip of his tongue but he feels like he shouldn't say it when there is a slight gap of physical distance between them. So instead he moves forward, gets close enough to Seunghyun that the script slides off his thighs to the floor with a thud and he pulls Seungri close with a teasing smile because he probably thinks all Seungri wants is a quick cuddle and some attention for whatever reason.

He tucks Seungri against his side and swipes back the bangs that Seungri finally grew out but is thinking of getting rid of anyway, brushes his fingertips down slowly over his cheeks and down his arm where he finally laces their fingers together in a gentle grip.

Seunghyun looks at him with a small smile and raises a questioning eyebrow and Seungri swallows once, squeezing Seunghyun's hand in his tightly for a second.

"What are we?" Seungri asks him, his voice comes out a bit shaky and in a rush and he thinks maybe Seunghyun didn't understand but Seunghyun hums softly in thought as he wraps his free hand around Seungri's back, sliding it until it's a snug fit around as much of his waist as Seunghyun can reach and he pulls Seungri close and flush against his chest.

"What do you want us to be?" Seunghyun asks him and he has that shit eating grin on his face, Seungri can't see it but he can feel it, can tell it's there.

He's about to complain, probably try to cover up what he was really asking with some overreaction but he can hear the heavy and quick thudding on Seunghyun's heart in his chest so he holds back all of that insecurity and bites down on his tongue before he's saying, "I thought our plan was to be together one day."

"Yeah," Seunghyun agrees quietly and gives a tight squeeze to Seungri's hand again.

"It might be really difficult," Seungri mutters and he feels Seunghyun nod again, tilts his head back so he can see his expression and finds that Seunghyun's eyes are slightly narrowed and looking to the side, past the two of them.

"I don't care," Seunghyun shrugs a shoulder. "All I know is that I don't want us to waste anymore time."

Seungri knows what he is talking about, knows that the time Seunghyun spent away during his enlistment and the time Seungri spent away during his enlistment stretched between them like a giant gap of time lost.

"We don't have to answer any questions we don't want to," Seunghyun tells him, looks determined and he turns his head to look down at Seungri and Seungri rolls his eyes but knows that he's technically right.

"I guess we don't," he mutters some type of future already forming in his minds eye.

He thinks that people can speculate as much as they want, that weird rumors can spread around with them even turning to acknowledge them the way they had been taught to do from the start. There had been some crazy allegations made against Jiyong in the past and the strategy had always been to ignore it until people grew bored of the news and they went away.

"I think," Seunghyun says. "That you are my boyfriend." The words send a rush of butterflies through Seungri's stomach and at the same time make him feel like his heart is sinking down his throat slowly because he didn't expect for it to be said out loud. "I think we have been boyfriends for a very long time. And I think we just didn't say we were because we didn't want each other to feel tied down while we were out doing our duty."

"You didn't have to wait for me," Seungri mumbles, tilting his head to press his cheek against Seunghyun's firm shoulder.

"You didn't have to wait for me either," Seunghyun says back. "But you did and I did too and I think that should answer your question about what we are."

"And you're always holding my hand too," Seungri tells him like it's a smart observation but Seunghyun only laughs, his whole body shaking as he gives Seungri's hand a squeeze.

"I just didn't want you to feel alone," Seunghyun tells him quietly.

###

Seunghyun waits for him on the other end every time. He finishes an appearance for one of the sponsorships he has been offered and Seunghyun is always waiting for him on the sidelines to tug Seungri under his arm and ruffle his hair as they walk away from the flashing cameras and loud questions being thrown their way about the nature of their relationship.

He's always there to glare and narrow his eyes at the people that choose to get in Seungri's way with hateful words and even goes as far as posting videos of himself reading comments and replying to them with a snooty voice that mocks the words of people. They're deleted later on but he always leaves them long enough just so that everyone will notice.

Seungri worries that people might find it childish but none of the people that matter make comments about it and if Seungri is being honest with himself it's kind of hot. Which is how he finds himself filling with a steady build up of desire as he stares at Seunghyun lounging across Seungri's bed. It's how he finds himself with the need to scoot closer until he's draping an arm around Seunghyun's waist, leaning in until he catches Seunghyun's attention and he grins when Seunghyun turns his head. His eyes droop into what he hopes is an enticing look as he leans close to press a briefly chaste kiss against Seunghyun's lips.

Seunghyun turns almost immediately to his side, breaking the kiss only for a moment so he can adjust the angle of his head, cradling the back of Seungri's neck with one hand as the other tugs him closer by the collar of his shirt. Seungri hums softly under the attention and his eyes shut in bliss when their lips slot together perfectly. He's glad Seunghyun skipped out on smoking tonight because there's no ashy taste to his lips, rather the sweetness from the syrup from the patbingsu they ate earlier after dinner is still lingering there. His lips are soft and plush and Seungri can't help but feel a little bit smug that it is only because he got Seunghyun into the habit of hydrating his lips.

Seunghyun rolls over him once their lips part to deepen the kiss, reaching over to the knob besides Seungri's side of the bed to turn the light down until it's dim enough that Seungri can barely see Seunghyun on top of him. He laughs when Seunghyun leans down again and their noses brush gently enough that it doesn't hurt, arms sliding around Seunghyun's neck to pull him closer as they join together once more.

It's a special type of bliss, laying here in the near darkness with Seunghyun, letting himself feel everything he had tried to deny as Seunghyun starts to press kisses away from his lips and down the line of his jaw to his neck. He hisses softly when Seunghyun bites down on the juncture between his shoulder and neck and tilts his head to give him more room when he can feel him sucking at the bite. Usually he would complain about it, tell Seunghyun to not mark him up but tonight he doesn't care.

He stretches his legs outward until he can hook them on either side of Seunghyun, lifting them in what he hopes is an inviting way and he grins when Seunghyun lets out a quiet groan as he grips the back of one of Seungri's thighs with his hand, firmly holding it up at an angle. The grip is powerful and Seungri can't help but shudder when he squeezes, want rolling through him in thick waves.

"Seungri," Seunghyun murmurs softly, squeezing down on Seungri's thigh again and his stomach rolls at the feeling.

"Yeah?" Seungri asks, panting softly, squirming until he can grip the hem of his shirt to pull it up and off.

"Can we...?" Seunghyun asks but he trails off, helping Seungri toss away the shirt and laughing after. "Okay, looks like we can."

They make quick work of discarding their clothes after that, Seunghyun tugs at the blankets under Seungri until only the deep red sheets are left and he pulls one over them, letting it drape over his waist as he pulls Seungri down and away from the pillows. He shifts around slightly on the sheet under himself before his legs are draped around Seunghyun again.

Seunghyun leans down to press a soft kiss against Seungri's lips again before his grip is pulling away from him, Seunghyun's weight pressing down firmly against Seungri as he reaches for the lube on the nightstand. Seungri rolls his head back, shutting his eyes tightly as he tries to control his breathing, tries to control the way he feels hot everywhere and like if they turned on the lights he would definitely look like a cherry or a tomato. He swallows once when Seunghyun's weight eases off him slightly and lifts his legs over Seunghyun's flanks to spread himself open.

Seunghyun returns his lips to Seungri's neck while he makes slow work of opening him up, making Seungri gasp and groan quietly as he both relaxes under his touch and tenses from time to time when Seunghyun curls his fingers just right or when he feels the slow stretch that builds up more and more until Seunghyun has three fingers inside of him.

Seungri reaches upward to bury his fingers into Seunghyun's scalp, scratching gently at it and tugging on the thick locks of hair and Seunghyun finally lifts his head, looks Seungri in the eyes now that they have adjusted to seeing in the new lighting. He has a small smile on his lips that makes Seungri sigh out half a laugh. Seunghyun leans closer, a small grin adorning his lips as well and Seungri follows them until he can't see them anymore, letting his eyes fall shut as Seunghyun slots their lips together again, slowly easing out his fingers and it makes Seungri curl his toes and lift his hips in an attempt to follow the feeling.

It's slow and tender. Just what Seungri had wanted and something Seunghyun had been able to tell without Seungri having to say anything. He shudders once as Seunghyun presses their foreheads together as he slides into Seungri in one long and smooth thrust. He's gripping his leg tightly again, squeezing the skin in his fingers with a grip that Seungri thinks might bruise but he can't feel the sting over the pain pleasure of having Seunghyun inside him once again. He drags his stubbed out nails against Seunghyun's back and gasps as Seunghyun pulls back and thrusts back in suddenly, hard enough to make Seungri's body slide upwards on the mattress.

He can barely focus on the sweet words Seunghyun keeps murmuring against his forehead, whining softly when Seunghyun brushes back his damp hair and pulls his hand to the back of Seungri's neck, gripping him firmly into a filthy kiss as the pace of his hips quicken, making Seungri wrap his legs around his waist in an attempt to hold on.

When the kiss breaks Seungri laughs quietly and Seunghyun follows him, moving his hands up above him to press them against the headboard to hold himself in place as Seunghyun's heavy thrusts push him upward more and more until he's sure his head will hit against the solid frame. Heat starts to build up quickly in Seungri's body and he rolls his hips downward to meet the grind of Seunghyun's hips as he buries himself deeper, nudging into him just right so that he's seeing stars.

He lets out quiet strangled gasps every time Seunghyun nails his prostate, his legs shaking with effort as he tries to hold them up and around Seunghyun but he doesn't have to worry much longer because soon enough Seunghyun is wrapping his long, thick, and warm fingers around his length, stroking him a beat off from his thrusts and it overloads Seungri with sensitivity. He legs go of his grip against the headboard to hold himself and can barely feel it when his head bumps against the wood because it's also right then that the pleasure in his body spills through him.

"Baby," Seunghyun whispers against his ear, cradling him close and wrapping him tightly in his arms as his hips grind down into Seungri, burying himself deeper before he's groaning his release against Seungri's skin. He presses down his weight into Seungri, pushing the sudden over-sensitivity too far.

"I love you," Seungri can't help but choke out quietly.

"I love _you_ ," Seunghyun returns quietly, brushing his lips gently over Seungri's cheek as they both breath heavily through their nose.

Later, when they're curled up together and Seunghyun's breaths become heavy Seungri can't imagine that he ever wanted anything else beside him once he had realized his feelings. Can't believe that they really waited nearly four years for each other, can't believe the few months he wasted wallowing in a feeling that although it had never truly left, he knew now with Seunghyun's help that it wasn't something he couldn't manage, something easy to control.

He strokes down Seunghyun's arm with a fingertip and watches as Seunghyun's eyebrows furrow for a second in his sleep before they're relaxing again and there's an easy smile in his lips.

Seungri knows now that he doesn't have to worry, doesn't have to panic when he's alone or when he's getting bombarded with questions because Seunghyun is always there. Always in the back of his mind letting him know that they are just words, or even there physically telling people to back off with rude colorful language that doesn't even make him blink as he grips Seungri's hand again tightly in his.

Really, that's all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> well... it's been a while since i posted anything and i noticed my style changed quite a bit ;v; i hope you guys enjoyed this. 
> 
> pls comment to make a sad anxious bitch (me) happy.


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